I remember a client (I’ll call her ‘Judith’), a very pleasant woman, arriving for her first appointment exactly on time. Her first words to me? “I’m sorry.” She apologised as I showed her in, and again as she sat down. There was nothing (as far as I knew) for her to apologise about. Perhaps not so surprisingly, the help she needed was with self-esteem and confidence issues.
Is this really just a ‘British thing’? I mean, to apologize to the clumsy oaf who has just trodden on your foot in the queue? OK, maybe it is, but the tendency to over-apologise can also be a feature of low self-esteem and nervousness –issues not limited to the British, as far as I know. But we need balance here.
Saying sorry is important
It goes without saying (but I’ll say it anyway) that being able to say sorry (and don’t you just hate it when people refuse ever to admit any responsibility?) is important (see my footnote below). It means you are sincere and sensitive enough to take mature responsibility for when you have been partly or wholly the cause of something going wrong.
But if a person keeps on apologising, begging forgiveness, grovelling and seeking constant reassurance then it becomes something they are doing for themselves and not for the person they are apologising to.
Desperate search for reassurance
People who constantly seek reassurance come across as lacking in confidence and personal authority. If we need to apologise we should be big enough to say it clearly and (if we are in the wrong) say it without conditions. “I’m sorry… but you shouldn’t have…” isn’t a real apology at all.
Apologising for the weather, for other people’s behaviour, for the fact that we live and breathe and take up space on the earth has two effects. Firstly, it demeans us, positioning us lower than we need be: “I am not worthy!” And secondly, it can make people begin to feel that maybe we are responsible for stuff: “Mmmm – this person is apologising all the time… I wonder what they’re hiding?”
The chicken or the egg
You may think that a tendency to keep on apologising unnecessarily must be a symptom of ‘deeper issues’ that need to be addressed, but it’s also possible to see personal psychology as an interconnected system. You change one part of the system and hey presto! people find they become more confident as a result. You smile when you are happy, but smiling more can actually make you feel happier. If you look at something as a system, you see cause and effect as a two-way street.
With this in mind I produced ‘Stop Apologizing’ a new hypnosis download for hypnosisdownloads.com. The first thing I focused on with Judith was to lessen the amount of social victim signals she was sending out to others. When she stopped apologizing all the time people began to see her differently and she began to feel different. By changing one cog in the machine the whole machine can begin to work differently.
Mark
Footnote: Survey - Apologizing may be key to marriage
A survey conducted in San Francisco found that people who stay happily married are twice as likely to be able and willing to apologize to their partners as divorced or single people. The willingness to apologize to partners may be key to a lasting marriage suggested the survey of over 7,590 US adults (Zogby International pollsters). The survey found happily married people are 25% more likely to apologize first, even if they only feel partially to blame. Divorced and single people were more likely to stay single the harder they found it ever to apologize and make capitulatory gestures.
